


On A Bench

by spunkyMaverick



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Bro, And Failing, Angst, But Bro is trying, Dave is too good, Gen, He's like ten, Out of Character, Sadstuck, Whether the ending is sad or not is questionable, i think, or something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 00:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17193488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spunkyMaverick/pseuds/spunkyMaverick
Summary: Some stuff from the point of view of Bro Strider.





	On A Bench

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest. I've been interested in Bro Strider recently and wanted an excuse to write something for him.
> 
> Happy holidays. Take this.

On a bench, he sits, staring out at everything. Cars drive by somewhere. People go to their jobs somewhere. A dog chases a squirrel somewhere. Kids play in the park somewhere. Parents talk amongst themselves somewhere. Artists make their art somewhere. Lawyers determine who's guilty somewhere. A cat laps up some milk from a dish somewhere. A child and their guardian get along with each other amazingly well somewhere. The world exists somewhere. The world exists despite him.

Because Life doesn't care that he's not ready to continue. Life doesn't care about his problems, his troubles, his issues, his  _ insecurities _ . Life just  _ is _ . It goes on unceasingly. And he's left to deal with it.

On a bench, he sits, thinking of everything. He has an apartment with his little brother Dave -- or as he likes to call him, L'il Man. He exists off the income of people buying his smuppets and watching his ironic videos of one R-rated thing or another. He hurts his brother for no good reason and generally endangers him: strifes, swords in the fridge, and he's even shoved his L’il Man down the stairs once. He tries to say he loves his L’il Man, that he gets worried for him, that he'd do anything for the kid. But it's not true. He's selfish. And Life still carries on like nothing is happening behind closed curtains. And he feels a weight he can't explain. But Life goes on. And he's left to deal with it.

On a bench, he sits, pondering the awful guilt in his heart for everything. Who is he to hurt a kid who has been nothing but kind to him? Who is he to hurt a kid who has been patient with him? Who is he to hurt a kid who just wants to be like his Bro? Who is he to hurt a kid who is already hurting? Who is he to make a kid hurt himself to numb the inner turmoil? Who is he to make a kid bear a burden he shouldn't have? Who is he to hurt a kid? Why would he do this? Why is he like this? Why is he a shitty person? Why? He doesn't know. He wants to know the answer himself. He doesn't know the answer. But Life goes on. And he's left to deal with it.

And Bro is there on that stupid bench. He could be going home and starting to be a better brother to Dave. But here he is. On this bench. Just being useless.

That's all he's really good for. Being the person that would only make the world better if he was dead. He did that all by himself, too. He became the shittiest guardian, the shittiest brother and the shittisest person. Perhaps he should do the world a favor. Perhaps he should do the L'il Man a favor. Perhaps.

Perhaps.

Bro stand up from that stupid fucking bench and heads home to the apartment where the L'il Man is. He has to do better. He has to be the person he should've been in the first place. He has to let Life go on but also move with Life. Life goes on but so does he. He's still here for a reason. Life has kept him with Dave for a reason. Some reason. And maybe Life has been waiting for this point. For Bro to finally man up and accept that his character arc has been long overdue.

 

Bro is a somewhat decent person for a week. He buys Dave some apple juice for that whole week. He shares his Doritos for that whole week. He plays some shitty games with Dave for that whole week. He watches My Little Pony with Dave for that whole week. But it goes downhill again quickly. He wants to blame Dave. Say it's his fault for being a little shit. For giving him those looks. For being so ungrateful. For not believing in him. But Bro knows it's not his fault. And now he's regretting everything. And guess where he finds himself again by the beginning of the next month?

On a bench, he sits, contemplating his self-control. He wonders why he couldn't stop for good. He wonders why he even started hurting his L'il Man. He wonders why he thought it was okay to talk Dave like that. He wonders why he thought it was okay to hurt Dave like that. He wonders why he can't be a decent person for longer than a week. He wonders. He does. Perhaps he really should do the world a favor now. Perhaps he really should do Dave a favor now. Perhaps.

Perhaps.

  
  


He's still alive. He's been avoiding Dave as much as possible. He's been locking himself in his room and ignoring anything his brother says to him. He's been turning the volume up to drown out his thoughts. He's been distracting himself with projects. He's been avoiding Dave. But it's still been an awful existence. Because he would run out of food and step out and run into the L'il Man. And he would get so angry at himself and he would hiss at the L'il Man to get lost. And he would grab some food and return to his room. And he would cry.

And again, he would find himself in the same place in November.

On a bench, he sits. He just sits there. What's there to contemplate anymore? He would just end up sulking as usual. He would just moan to himself about how he's going to change. And then go back to his old ways with the week. He would just think think about how Life is awful and woe is he. And then he would suggest suicide but never go through with it. And--

Here he is. On this stupid bench. On this old bench. Just to be there. He's not even trying at this point. He wonders what would happen if he just never came home. Let the L'il Man never have to deal with his sorry ass ever again. He'd probably fuck that up somehow too.

Avoiding Dave actually hadn't been that bad. The fewest encounters happened and thus the fewest amounts of times he hurt his brother.

  
  


On his bed, he sits, watching My Little Pony while holding a Rainbow Dash plush. He hasn't actually been watching it. He's just been sitting there while it plays. He's not sure how long it has been. But the hunger pangs started a while ago. He's sure it's been only two days. He just wants friendship and kindness to be as easy as they make it seem on TV.

“Bro?” comes the voice of Dave. And Bro isn't even able to summon up any anger at himself. He can only feel sadness and guilt and a want to just sit in the dark until he dies of starvation.

“Bro? Are you okay?” Dave asks him. Worry. Worry for him. Dave is worried about him. And he doesn't deserve it.

“Oh, yes, I'm fine. I've just been trying to stop some bad habits for the past year with no results,” he says. “Think you could come here a sec.”

Dave walks forward warily. Good. Why trust someone like him? Bro doesn't deserve his trust. Bro doesn't deserve Dave. And Bro just reaches forward and grabs Dave's wrist. The kid jerks back on instinct to get away. Of course, he does. He should. Any sudden movement come mean a world of pain. But Bro doesn't want to hurt his L'il Man. Not right now. Not ever again. Not if he can help it And doesn't want to talk about his feelings either. His feeling don't matter. They've never mattered. But despite that, he had always put his feelings before Dave's. He pulls Dave up on his bed and holds him in his arms.

He holds him close in a hug. Arms wrapped around Dave's too-small, too-thin body. And all the weight and height Dave doesn't have that he should is just more guilt. He doesn't deserve Dave. And Dave's resistance to his hold is more guilt. And why is he like this? Why is he so awful? He just buries his head in Dave's shoulder.

“Bro, are you--  _ are you crying _ ?”

Dave hugs him backs, and Bro sobs and begins apologizing. He doesn't deserve Dave. He doesn't deserve Dave telling him it's okay. He doesn't deserve his comfort. He doesn't deserve anything except--

  
  


Bro walks to the police station, holding Dave's hand. The kid is confused, has been all day. He doesn't know that today will be the big day. That today is the day. The day everything gets better. He stops in front of the building and looks down at the L'il Man. He's so confused. He keeps glancing at him. And now he's even more confused. He doesn't say a thing though.

Bro opens his mouth to start but pauses and closes it again. He kneels down. He opens and closes his mouth again. He must seem like a fish at this point. Bro takes off his shades and hands them to Dave.

“Hey, L'il Man. I know you're confused, but that's okay. I am too. I've been doing a lot of thinking all year. I've tried and tried to make our relationship work. But you know how it ends,” he says. And his voice gives away that he's on the verge of tears. He smiles at the L'il Man.

“Bro, what are you--?”

“I can't take care of you anymore. Must be a relief. I'm so sorry. You're been patient and kind and way too caring for your own good and I've been none of that. I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Because I fear that it'll be too true. Because I fear that it won't mean anything,” he tells him. “So, just know you're always gonna be my L'il Man and that I'm proud of you. See ya.”


End file.
